It has been a while since I last updated. It is because life has been a tsunami, has been a landslide. I feel myself dying to my old self everyday.
Somehow, I feel myself growing stronger. I no longer feel the pangs of anxiety that I was susceptible to when I was younger. I am not perfect, but I can feel myself evolving.
Treating Myself Well - Creating my own Enjoyment
10 years ago, I would wear myself down wondering about "What could I be doing instead of this? Where should I be instead of here?" What other people are wearing, eating seem infinitely more interesting than my own life. I practically lived my existence wearing the lenses of "What should have been", and boy oh, boy, was I a miserable person through and through.
So what have I been doing over the past two months? I have broken the tenets of frugality. Over the last two months, I have:
- Gone to have Afternoon Tea in three posh places, averaging at about USD 40 per establishment.
(Fullerton By the Bay, Mandarin Oriental Hotel, Goodwood Park Hotel)
- Bought two pairs of shoes - Melissa rubber flats, which I declare the best in terms of comfort-attractiveness-practicality scoring in the entire universe.
- Bought an entry-level designer handbag - Coach, shoulder-carry flap handbag with hardware in an exquisite pale gold, approx USD 400
- Ate out at restaurants at least 8 times (hello Thai Express, Soup Spoon Union, PS Cafe, Canton Paradise, Swee Choon Tim Sum, Tim Ho Wan)
What happened?
I want to be good to myself. I want to feel that I am enjoying something. I have the sense that if I do not treat myself in this manner, no one else would do it on my behalf.
There is something very sobering in this realisation. This realisation is accompanied by a sense of urgency to treat myself well. With all the feeding, I am now 2 kg away from my dream weight. I am dealing with this because I know that nothing in life is for free, but in the meantime, I am having a very good level of self-awareness about my behavior and actions. Ultimately, I am managing the situation well enough.
As for the shoes .... they were purchased as replacement of an outgoing pair. But why must it be 2 incoming for 1 outgoing? Yet, they make me quite happy. In fact, I dream of obtaining another two designs from the same shop. I feel a little foolish about this vanity, I feel that I am a little too old to play dress-up. Clothes and shoes do not change lives, it is a renewal of mind that transforms. But well ...
As for the designer handbag, it looked so lovely when I drape it on my shoulders. It upgraded my appearance instantly. So, what is done is done. We all need some beauty in our lives.
Am I Nothing But a Stream of Numbers?
I spend a lot of time contemplating and planning my personal finances.
I stare at my Excel intensely. I have an all-consuming fascination for this.
If I were to rate myself over the past 1 yr 10 mths, I would give myself a B for how I have conducted my affairs.
I cannot be graded A because I did get carried away with some useless cosmetics (just how many lipsticks does a woman really need, we are each born with just one pair of lips and cosmetics are perishables!).
I bought too many paintings on a trip to a certain Southeast Asian country.
That stupid Fitness First membership that I subscribed to on impulse, which I never broke even on. That holiday trip in August which was ultimately pointless.
Still, I do stay on track on an overall basis, and my mind remains very focused.
Recently, I thought, after yet another session of Excel-staring, that I have metamorphosed into a data table, that my life has converted into a cash flow projection.
In fact, sometimes I wish that I can be hyper-rational, be almost robot-like. Notice the movie genre of the robot-hybrids superhero - we look up to their superhuman abilities. Being a robot would save me from many errors, defects and sub-par decisions. It would render me insensitive to beauty, which is many times nothing but conceit and an inflation in perception. Being robotic can distill everything to clinical-like simplicity, burn away the fluff and the dross. Coldness and indifference should bring me to a higher level of excellence. And I do crave for excellence - yes I do.
After I have accumulated the amount of capital that I aim to, completed this Capital-Formation Stage, I would allow myself to be more human.
I want to think about the meaning more and deeply. Meaning of everything.
Having the room in ones life to seek meaning is a supreme luxury. I want to be able to put myself in that position to chase it.
That is after all, what most people are after whether they realise it or not.
