This year we approach Spring in an extremely different mood from the last. In 2020, the world entered into lockdown as it battled existential threat from Covid. When there seemed no hope, vaccines are created. I am profoundly moved by mankind's ability to adapt and survive. As nations roll out the vaccinations at encouraging rates, I hope and believe that normalcy is in the horizon.
Looking back at my state of mind in worst months of last year, I see how I was swallowed up by darkness. Being a naturally excitable and impressionable person, I was easily affected by downbeat sights and news. Even views of low traffic on the road and darkened hotel windows were enough to depress me. I felt that the world stood on a cliff, that I was no more than an anonymous speck on its surface, and as soon as it took a plunge I would be nothing but collateral damage.
But being so impressionable meant that my mood has since been lifted as Singapore emerges strong and healthy after the worst passed. Life has more or less resumed, with crowds thronging both neighbourhood and city shopping malls. People want to get on, to spread cheer, to reach out to family and friends. Or in even more basic terms, people want to experience moving about in a crowd, which comes as naturally as how animals move in herds. Instinct for joy takes over and triumphs over melancholy.
And so I found myself succumbing to the grips of materialism. It started small, involving repeated Daiso-diving and purchases of cheap clothing from websites like Shein. It developed to long minutes oggling at second-hand designer stuff on Vestiaire Collective and Reebonz.
It all started from a trip outside with my sister in November. She was wearing a tacky dress, but paired with a Prada bag, she was a vision of chic. One designer bag had the effect of cancelling out the tacky appearance of her dress, conferring her with elements of style. Fascinated by the sight of her with the bag, I began toying with thoughts of getting a designer bag for myself.
The closest I got to buying the bag was when I made a low-ball offer to a seller. I felt chagrined when I made the offer, as I was quite conscious that I was betraying my principles. I was relieved when the offer was rejected.
Why, oh why, do I act the way I do? I find myself a most frustrating psychological case study. On one hand, I am very obsessed about saving money. On the other hand, I am capable of straying.
I initiate actions while projecting all kinds of disapproving thoughts towards myself, but none of these thoughts prevent me from those actions.
Yes, I would define the condition as being SERIOUS, yet NOT DEAD SERIOUS.
I am naturally frugal-leaning but at the same time not above temptation.
If there is an Olympics for saving money, I would not qualify.
There is something about this I dislike. It signals a weakness in me. I would like it so much if I could be Olympic-level about anything. I do want to be Olympic-serious about things.
This is food for thought. It indicates that while I see the value in my anti-consumption goal, at the same time I am in love with something else in conflict with that goal.
I want to be that beautiful woman with a gorgeous bag. I want to be beautiful.
I need to break the psychological connection between beauty and the $1,000 bag. Rationalise more rather than to act on impulses. How easy it is to buy something but how difficult it would be to throw it away in years to come. If I make a new purchase without throwing out anything, wouldn't I be a hoarder whose every incremental acquisition is fueled by vanity?
We drag ourselves down with the mountains of physical possessions we pull into our lives. When anti-consumption is the path to freedom.
